Monday
Excuse me. I have something in my eye.
.. .... --- .--. . -.-- --- ..- .... .- ...- . -... . . -. .-- .- - -.-. .... .. -. --. - .... . -. . .-- ...
Sorry about that. Anyway, I want to express our appreciation and support of you. We don't always think of the electors and the huge responsibility they carry. But, you know, sometimes you got to stop and acknowledge the people on the fringes of your life and tell them how you feel. Know something? You're just swell.
Man. What is this? An eyelash? Excuse me again.
.--. .-.. . .- ... . .... . .-.. .--. ..- ...
So if you need anything, like someone to walk your dog or bring the mail in while you're busy, don't be shy. Name it. We're here for you.
Wow. I apologize. I don't know why I picked today to go back to contacts. Give me a minute.
.. -.-. .- -. -. --- - .. -- .- --. .. -. . .- ... . -..- ..- .- .-.. .- -.-. - .. .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. -. --- - .--. . .-. ..-. --- .-. -- ..-. --- .-. --- .-. --- -. -.-- --- ..- - --- ... .- ...- . --- ..- .-. -. .- - .. --- -. ·-·-·- .. -... . --. ..-. --- .-. -.-- --- ..- .-. -- . .-. -.-. -.-- ·-·-·-
Big ups! Be well. Stay safe. Ima go get some Visine. I don't know if this is dust or pollen or what.
.... . .-.. .--. -- . --- -... .. .-- .- -. -.- . -. --- -... .. . ·-·-·- -.-- --- ..- ·----· .-. . -- -.-- --- -. .-.. -.-- .... --- .--. . ·-·-·-
This has been nice. We never talk.
What's up, EC? This a bad time?
I just wanted to drop these cookies off. My neighbor made them and they are delicious, but jeeze. Look how big this box is. This is way too much for our house so I thought you could split them among the 538 of you.
Oh, in case anyone has allergies, these are made with "Wild Rumple Nuts."
Yeah, I know. Me neither.
So anyway, enjoy these "Wild Rumple Nuts" cookies from my neighbor, Anna Grahm. She's a big fan.
Dig you guys... have a great week!
Well, hey there, Electoral College! What a surprise! You come here too? To this off-leash dog park in suburban Pittsburgh? All of you? Well that's great. There's really no partisanship in being a dog owner, is there?
Yeah, that's mine over there. He runs a lot at first, but we've been here about twenty minutes and now he's just sniffing around. That's his thing.
Sure, sure. He loves other dogs. What's your little buddy's name there?
Buford? Aw, that's cute. And you all share custody? All of you?
Oh, no. No no no. I don't think that's weird.
Hm? Me? I was just noodling around on my phone. Reading this thing by Thomas Lux.
Yeah, the poet. You know him?
A "fan?" Well, I don't know much about poetry. But I like the way he bumps words together.
Do I? No. Not really. Well, I write a little poetry. Here and there. Just for myself -- as a kind of meditative thing.
No. I couldn't. It's not very good.
Well... okay, Electoral College. I had a little Cabernet in me a couple days ago and I scribbled something down. Like, don't show it to anyone. It's not very good.
Untitled No.38
G azelle-like, our comforts flee
E ven as we reach
T hankless and desperate toward the night.
H arrowed, shrill and lithe,
I guanas stare -- unhurried,
S unning on inconsequential stones,
T angerine hair and eyes like Vicodins.
A nxious, liquidus dreams of
X enophobes abound,
E ntreating them to reason,
S ilently, we wait for night to fall.
Oh, stop it. That's nice of you to say, but...
Okay, thank you. And thanks for reading it. It's nice to get out of your comfort zone now and then, right? Would you like a copy? Here. I'll message it to you in case, you know, you'd like to refer, um... back to it for and reason oh look Buford found a stick!
That's hilarious. Now he wants my dog to chase him. Look at them go.
I bet those little fellas are going to sleep all afternoon.
Hey, Electoral College. I'm sorry. I don't want to be THAT guy, but...
Yeah. I'm so sorry. It's a little loud. Just a little. It's not bothering me, but my wife is real sensitive to bass frequencies and, you know... they carry.
No, she's not mad. She told me to be polite and she sends her regards.
Thank you. Yes, that's much better.
Wow. I apologize. I don't know why I picked today to go back to contacts. Give me a minute.
.. -.-. .- -. -. --- - .. -- .- --. .. -. . .- ... . -..- ..- .- .-.. .- -.-. - .. .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. -. --- - .--. . .-. ..-. --- .-. -- ..-. --- .-. --- .-. --- -. -.-- --- ..- - --- ... .- ...- . --- ..- .-. -. .- - .. --- -. ·-·-·- .. -... . --. ..-. --- .-. -.-- --- ..- .-. -- . .-. -.-. -.-- ·-·-·-
Big ups! Be well. Stay safe. Ima go get some Visine. I don't know if this is dust or pollen or what.
.... . .-.. .--. -- . --- -... .. .-- .- -. -.- . -. --- -... .. . ·-·-·- -.-- --- ..- ·----· .-. . -- -.-- --- -. .-.. -.-- .... --- .--. . ·-·-·-
This has been nice. We never talk.
Tuesday
What's up, EC? This a bad time?
I just wanted to drop these cookies off. My neighbor made them and they are delicious, but jeeze. Look how big this box is. This is way too much for our house so I thought you could split them among the 538 of you.
Oh, in case anyone has allergies, these are made with "Wild Rumple Nuts."
Yeah, I know. Me neither.
So anyway, enjoy these "Wild Rumple Nuts" cookies from my neighbor, Anna Grahm. She's a big fan.
Dig you guys... have a great week!
Wednesday
Well, hey there, Electoral College! What a surprise! You come here too? To this off-leash dog park in suburban Pittsburgh? All of you? Well that's great. There's really no partisanship in being a dog owner, is there?
Yeah, that's mine over there. He runs a lot at first, but we've been here about twenty minutes and now he's just sniffing around. That's his thing.
Sure, sure. He loves other dogs. What's your little buddy's name there?
Buford? Aw, that's cute. And you all share custody? All of you?
Oh, no. No no no. I don't think that's weird.
Hm? Me? I was just noodling around on my phone. Reading this thing by Thomas Lux.
Yeah, the poet. You know him?
A "fan?" Well, I don't know much about poetry. But I like the way he bumps words together.
Do I? No. Not really. Well, I write a little poetry. Here and there. Just for myself -- as a kind of meditative thing.
No. I couldn't. It's not very good.
Well... okay, Electoral College. I had a little Cabernet in me a couple days ago and I scribbled something down. Like, don't show it to anyone. It's not very good.
Untitled No.38
G azelle-like, our comforts flee
E ven as we reach
T hankless and desperate toward the night.
H arrowed, shrill and lithe,
I guanas stare -- unhurried,
S unning on inconsequential stones,
T angerine hair and eyes like Vicodins.
A nxious, liquidus dreams of
X enophobes abound,
E ntreating them to reason,
S ilently, we wait for night to fall.
Oh, stop it. That's nice of you to say, but...
Okay, thank you. And thanks for reading it. It's nice to get out of your comfort zone now and then, right? Would you like a copy? Here. I'll message it to you in case, you know, you'd like to refer, um... back to it for and reason oh look Buford found a stick!
That's hilarious. Now he wants my dog to chase him. Look at them go.
I bet those little fellas are going to sleep all afternoon.
Thursday
Hey, Electoral College. I'm sorry. I don't want to be THAT guy, but...
Yeah. I'm so sorry. It's a little loud. Just a little. It's not bothering me, but my wife is real sensitive to bass frequencies and, you know... they carry.
No, she's not mad. She told me to be polite and she sends her regards.
Thank you. Yes, that's much better.
Huh. I couldn't even tell what you were listening to from next door. Of course, now I can hear that The Electors got some Diver Down action goin' on over he-
Oh, really? It's Fair Warning? Those two always blur together for me. That's funny, huh? I guess they weren't, like, the biggest albums.
Oh, yeah. Definitely. Screw Sammy Hagar.
Okay, cool. I'll let you get back to your thing. You guys probably want to kick back a little before your, I imagine, briefings on the CIA findings or whatever...
No, I know. Of course you can't discuss that sort of thing. I wasn't digging, that was just me being careless. You know, careless -- like appointing Rick Perry to head the very agency he forgot the name of during the-
Oh sure. A coincidence. Like asking for names of the department members who attended...
Yeah? Well maybe YOU'RE not reading ENOUGH into it.
No, you're right. You're right. I'm out of line. That was uncalled for. I'm just... it's late. I was sound asleep and now I'm out here in my slippers.
Yeah, I'm a little cold. I keep doing this thing where I buy long johns and then it turns out that they're made of material that's designed to PULL heat away from your body. They never used to have stuff like that. My whole life, the more clothes you put on, the warmer you got. Now, it's kind of a crap shoot.
Oh, no thanks, Electoral College. Tea sounds lovely, but I'm just going to head in. Again, I'm sorry about the whole (waving hands) everything.
Thanks. Have a good night yourself.
Oh, hey! Real quick. I keep forgetting to ask. Does it bother you when I leave the Christmas lights on all night? Heheh -- speaking of the Department of Energy... heh...
You're sure? It's just that I might not put them up next year. I thought this might be sort of the last hoorah.
Oh, I don't know. It's just getting to be a hassle. That's all. And the top string around the roof is getting spotty. There are a lot of burned out bulbs. I don't want to go through and fix all of them next year.
But it's a pretty neat pattern. Look at them.
01010011011000110110100101100101011011100110001101100101001000000110100101110011001000000111001001100101011000010110110000100001
Hm. Makes you think. Ah, well... goodnight.
And hey! (Singing, pointing to Christmas lights)
"Vision of light, child of the night passing byyyyyy..."
You know... from Hang 'em High?
Really? THAT'S on Diver Down? Dammit.
Heeeey there's my Electors. Get on in here. It's great to see you. Thanks for coming. Let me take your coats.
Wow. Lot of coats. Didn't think this through.
Tell you what, let's make a pile on the couch and one on the loveseat. You want to split it up, like red state/blue state? Is that cool? We're not deepening the divide there, are we? Ha-HAAA! We're just having some fun. This is fun.
Wait, no. Blue states? Obviously, the loveseat, because...
Right. Less of you. Thanks so much.
So, go ahead and have a seat. You can start the salad around if you'd be so kind.
So anyway, this has been really great connecting with you this week. I've learned a lot. I think we've ALL learned a lot. Right? We almost never pay any attention to this stuff. Even the faithless electors are just nameless footnotes in books that election geeks read.
Yeah, well, I meant that in the best possible way. So...you know. Be cool.
Can I be honest with you? Not a lot of people agree with me on this, but I really kind of like having an Electoral College.
Yeah, I mean... just for the gamesmanship. And I know that's a terrible justification for it.
Yeah, you're right. It IS a mixed message. My fondness for the sort of... I don't know, mathematical intrigue that it brings to the election process is weighed against the idea that a vote should be diminished or inflated due to the amount of square mileage that surrounds a voter seems really absurd.
Sure, it's just an opinion.
No, it's just that the argument in favor of it is always accompanied by a population map -- it's like they're relying on our inability to visualize the empty space between...
Well, yeah. I think they're being honest, but like imagine looking down at Heinz Field from a helicopter and there are fifteen thousand people in one color sitting near one end zone and another twelve thousand in a different color are dispersed evenly throughout the rest of those bright yellow empty seats. That paints a very different picture than an electoral map. No one would question the results of a poll among the stadium people.
I don't know what they'd be polling for. Like, what kind of mustard to put on their hot dogs.
You're right. They'd probably go with Heinz mustard.
Yeah, but anyway, now you guys have to define what patriotism is and how it aligns with your morality. For my whole life, I've just thought of you guys as elevator operators -- just some holdover from a quaint era. Now, your whole thing seems really Punk. I mean, the man who won the election is nervous about you. That's... amazing! Your role as safeguard is, like, very evident for the first time that I'm aware of.
Wow! “Talents for low intrigue, and the little arts of popularity.” That's how it's phrased? What's that from?
You know, I've never even read The Federalist Papers. All I know is that "Hamilton wrote the other 51!" Heheh. You know, from the Broadway thing? (Singing) "Why do you assume you're the smartest in the room..."
Never?
(A timer beeps)
Ooo. The potatoes are done. Give me a minute.
(Returns)
Watch out, this bowl is very hot. You guys can start with the vegetables too. Hey, what's that paper? What are you holding?
It was under your plate? Weird.
Really, yours too? You all got one? What's on it?
1,15,18
9,13,1
2,3,85
2,7,81
1,2,14
1,1,1
1,20,22
Is that what they all say? Are they identical?
They are, huh? I don't know. We rented the place settings from a caterer -- I was going to say it's some cataloging thing, but that doesn't make any sense if they're all the same thing.
Oh well, it's probably nothing. Oh by the way, I've got a couple of bottles of this Bordeaux, if anyone's in a wine mood. If you know anything about wine, you'll just have to humor me. I liked the label. That's how I pick 'em.
Yeah, I can't tell anything apart. I keep thinking that it's a skill that will come to me later in life but, come on. How much later is it going to wait?
Yeah, me too. I'm late to the game on a lot of things. Music, movies... books! My God, I'm terrible with books.
No. I'm serious. Like, Gatsby. When did you guys read The Great Gatsby, like high school? Show me hands.
See, almost all of you. I was like 35. That's pretty embarrassing.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe it's better to come to that book as an adult -- scuffed up a little. Faded paint...
I heard Hunter S Thompson used to type copies of Gatsby as, I guess, a writing exercise. Or a meditation. Or...
Right. Or because he was a lunatic. Ha!
Imagine doing that, though. Going through it that thoroughly -- every chapter, every paragraph and every word.
(Picks up glass, swirls wine, repeats thoughtfully, picks up slip of paper) Chapter, paragraph and word.
Well, hey. Know what? As a souvenir of this evening I'm going to keep my little weird piece of paper.
I don't know. I'll probably wind up using it as a bookmark. In fact, I'll probably wind up reading Gatsby again. It's been a while. It seems as good a time as any to consider a story of the disastrous consequences of a very wealthy guy who finally catches what he's been chasing.
Yeah, I'm definitely going to re-read it this year.
Maybe more than once.
Cheers, everybody. Thanks for everything.
Oh, really? It's Fair Warning? Those two always blur together for me. That's funny, huh? I guess they weren't, like, the biggest albums.
Oh, yeah. Definitely. Screw Sammy Hagar.
Okay, cool. I'll let you get back to your thing. You guys probably want to kick back a little before your, I imagine, briefings on the CIA findings or whatever...
No, I know. Of course you can't discuss that sort of thing. I wasn't digging, that was just me being careless. You know, careless -- like appointing Rick Perry to head the very agency he forgot the name of during the-
Oh sure. A coincidence. Like asking for names of the department members who attended...
Yeah? Well maybe YOU'RE not reading ENOUGH into it.
No, you're right. You're right. I'm out of line. That was uncalled for. I'm just... it's late. I was sound asleep and now I'm out here in my slippers.
Yeah, I'm a little cold. I keep doing this thing where I buy long johns and then it turns out that they're made of material that's designed to PULL heat away from your body. They never used to have stuff like that. My whole life, the more clothes you put on, the warmer you got. Now, it's kind of a crap shoot.
Oh, no thanks, Electoral College. Tea sounds lovely, but I'm just going to head in. Again, I'm sorry about the whole (waving hands) everything.
Thanks. Have a good night yourself.
Oh, hey! Real quick. I keep forgetting to ask. Does it bother you when I leave the Christmas lights on all night? Heheh -- speaking of the Department of Energy... heh...
You're sure? It's just that I might not put them up next year. I thought this might be sort of the last hoorah.
Oh, I don't know. It's just getting to be a hassle. That's all. And the top string around the roof is getting spotty. There are a lot of burned out bulbs. I don't want to go through and fix all of them next year.
But it's a pretty neat pattern. Look at them.
01010011011000110110100101100101011011100110001101100101001000000110100101110011001000000111001001100101011000010110110000100001
Hm. Makes you think. Ah, well... goodnight.
And hey! (Singing, pointing to Christmas lights)
"Vision of light, child of the night passing byyyyyy..."
You know... from Hang 'em High?
Really? THAT'S on Diver Down? Dammit.
Friday
Heeeey there's my Electors. Get on in here. It's great to see you. Thanks for coming. Let me take your coats.
Wow. Lot of coats. Didn't think this through.
Tell you what, let's make a pile on the couch and one on the loveseat. You want to split it up, like red state/blue state? Is that cool? We're not deepening the divide there, are we? Ha-HAAA! We're just having some fun. This is fun.
Wait, no. Blue states? Obviously, the loveseat, because...
Right. Less of you. Thanks so much.
So, go ahead and have a seat. You can start the salad around if you'd be so kind.
So anyway, this has been really great connecting with you this week. I've learned a lot. I think we've ALL learned a lot. Right? We almost never pay any attention to this stuff. Even the faithless electors are just nameless footnotes in books that election geeks read.
Yeah, well, I meant that in the best possible way. So...you know. Be cool.
Can I be honest with you? Not a lot of people agree with me on this, but I really kind of like having an Electoral College.
Yeah, I mean... just for the gamesmanship. And I know that's a terrible justification for it.
Yeah, you're right. It IS a mixed message. My fondness for the sort of... I don't know, mathematical intrigue that it brings to the election process is weighed against the idea that a vote should be diminished or inflated due to the amount of square mileage that surrounds a voter seems really absurd.
Sure, it's just an opinion.
No, it's just that the argument in favor of it is always accompanied by a population map -- it's like they're relying on our inability to visualize the empty space between...
Well, yeah. I think they're being honest, but like imagine looking down at Heinz Field from a helicopter and there are fifteen thousand people in one color sitting near one end zone and another twelve thousand in a different color are dispersed evenly throughout the rest of those bright yellow empty seats. That paints a very different picture than an electoral map. No one would question the results of a poll among the stadium people.
I don't know what they'd be polling for. Like, what kind of mustard to put on their hot dogs.
You're right. They'd probably go with Heinz mustard.
Yeah, but anyway, now you guys have to define what patriotism is and how it aligns with your morality. For my whole life, I've just thought of you guys as elevator operators -- just some holdover from a quaint era. Now, your whole thing seems really Punk. I mean, the man who won the election is nervous about you. That's... amazing! Your role as safeguard is, like, very evident for the first time that I'm aware of.
Wow! “Talents for low intrigue, and the little arts of popularity.” That's how it's phrased? What's that from?
You know, I've never even read The Federalist Papers. All I know is that "Hamilton wrote the other 51!" Heheh. You know, from the Broadway thing? (Singing) "Why do you assume you're the smartest in the room..."
Never?
(A timer beeps)
Ooo. The potatoes are done. Give me a minute.
(Returns)
Watch out, this bowl is very hot. You guys can start with the vegetables too. Hey, what's that paper? What are you holding?
It was under your plate? Weird.
Really, yours too? You all got one? What's on it?
1,15,18
9,13,1
2,3,85
2,7,81
1,2,14
1,1,1
1,20,22
Is that what they all say? Are they identical?
They are, huh? I don't know. We rented the place settings from a caterer -- I was going to say it's some cataloging thing, but that doesn't make any sense if they're all the same thing.
Oh well, it's probably nothing. Oh by the way, I've got a couple of bottles of this Bordeaux, if anyone's in a wine mood. If you know anything about wine, you'll just have to humor me. I liked the label. That's how I pick 'em.
Yeah, I can't tell anything apart. I keep thinking that it's a skill that will come to me later in life but, come on. How much later is it going to wait?
Yeah, me too. I'm late to the game on a lot of things. Music, movies... books! My God, I'm terrible with books.
No. I'm serious. Like, Gatsby. When did you guys read The Great Gatsby, like high school? Show me hands.
See, almost all of you. I was like 35. That's pretty embarrassing.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe it's better to come to that book as an adult -- scuffed up a little. Faded paint...
I heard Hunter S Thompson used to type copies of Gatsby as, I guess, a writing exercise. Or a meditation. Or...
Right. Or because he was a lunatic. Ha!
Imagine doing that, though. Going through it that thoroughly -- every chapter, every paragraph and every word.
(Picks up glass, swirls wine, repeats thoughtfully, picks up slip of paper) Chapter, paragraph and word.
Well, hey. Know what? As a souvenir of this evening I'm going to keep my little weird piece of paper.
I don't know. I'll probably wind up using it as a bookmark. In fact, I'll probably wind up reading Gatsby again. It's been a while. It seems as good a time as any to consider a story of the disastrous consequences of a very wealthy guy who finally catches what he's been chasing.
Yeah, I'm definitely going to re-read it this year.
Maybe more than once.
Cheers, everybody. Thanks for everything.
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