Welcome to POTBASH

I occasionally have trouble getting back to sleep if something awakens me during the night.  For better or worse, I've recently given myself over to watching Netflix instead of just lying there and being pissed off at everything.  Holding my phone above my face has proven to be less than relaxing.  So, I made this.

In the interest of helping my fellow humans struggle through their own sleepless nights, I offer these simple instructions to build their own Personal Over The Bed Adjustable Smartphone Holder (P.O.T.B.A.S.H.™, patent pending, all rights reserved).

You will need:

• A drill
• A roll of paracord
• Two large binder clamps
• Drill bits
• Some of those things that they put on drawstrings that clamp themselves in place but you can release by squeezing a button.
• The courage to ask a Michael's employee about the previous item without knowing what that thing is called.
• The patience to repeat your unwieldy description for up to six different craft or fabric store employees, changing little words here and there and hoping that will help bring things into focus -- like instead of "release" try "loosen."
• An old jacket or wind shirt, possibly bearing the logo of a company you used to work for, with drawstrings and stoppers that you won't mind messing up so you can get those whatever-the-hell-you-call-them drawstring stoppers for this project.
• A chuck to install the drill bits into your drill
• A tape measure.
• A bed partner with the just-right combination of understanding, support or indifference.
• A pencil
• A frame matte appropriate to the size of the device you'll be using.
• A place to plug in your drill, unless you have a cordless drill, in case of which you'll need a place to plug in your drill and time to charge your drill.
• An extension cord to reach from the place you've plugged in your non-cordless drill to the place where you are installing your POTBASH. If you are using a cordless drill, just travel this distance with your feet.
• A moment to reflect how weird it is that, in this instance, shoes and an extension cord are fulfilling pretty much the same purpose and wonder if anyone has ever thought to sell extension cords in shoe stores.
• A long period of self-evaluation dedicated to attributing your last thought, easily the weirdest and dumbest thing that's ever crossed your mind, to either run-of-the-mill distracted thinking or some more serious medical issue.
• Scissors.
• A certain amount of denial.
• A nice lunch. Not great, but really, really good.
• A flashlight.
• An excuse to go back to the basement and quietly put back your drill, bits, chuck and extension cord because you don't actually need any of those things.
• A very flexible personal definition of happiness.

Instructions:

Poke holes, tie the string, clamp the clamps.  Everything kind of becomes obvious.


Usage:

Properly adjusted and used with headphones, the proximity of the screen to your field of vision may give you a better home theater experience than any multi-thousand dollar assortment of AV gear.

If you have some objective way to prove to me that it's not, keep it to yourself.


Warnings:

Falling asleep while using your POTBASH, especially while the headphone and power cables are lightly brushing against your face, is an almost certain way to guarantee that you will dream about being attacked by spiders.

It is advisable to put the phone back on your nightstand and sleep normally at the first hint of drowsiness because if you use your phone as your alarm clock, having it go off in while suspended front of your nose may actually, no exaggeration, frighten you to death.

To the casual, uninformed visitor, the POTBASH, dangling there above your most private of spaces, may look a bit like a piece of BDSM equipment.  This can lead anywhere.  I'm sorry and you're welcome.

The rig I've described here weighs almost nothing.  It can (and very well may) fall directly onto your face and you will survive easily.  You might have noticed, however, that mine is clamped to a shelf that I've installed over my bed and loaded up with books and crap -- transforming every bedtime into a kind of Sword Of Damocles situation.  I don't generally think about that very much, but using this device somehow brings the idea of those shelves becoming detached and possibly decapitating me to the front and center of my thoughts.  In terms of tranquility, the POTBASH giveth and the POTBASH taketh away.

Pleasant dreams.