New To The League

Abbott: How do you how do you like my ball club, Lou?

Costello: Hey, all those people gonna be at the game today?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Ah, this is gonna be a whopper of a game!

Abbott: Well, it should be.

Costello: Hey, Abbott

Abbott: What?

Costello: I understand they made you the manager of this here whole great team.

Abbott: Why not?

Costello: So you're the manager?

Abbott: I'm the manager!

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the manager, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like "Dizzy Dean..."

Costello: What are they?

Abbott: Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Black Lives Matter on first, Blue Lives Matter on second and All Lives Matter is on third.

Costello: You're telling me that first base, you have Black Lives Matter.

Abbott: All Lives Matter.

Costello: Wait. What did you say?

Abbott: I said, All Lives Matter.

Costello: I thought he was on third.

Abbott: Who?

Costello: All Lives Matter

Abbott: He is.

Costello: But you said, "on first you have Black Lives Matter."

Abbott: All Lives Matter

Costello: There you go again.

Abbott: Whaddya mean?

Costello: You talk about the third baseman every time I mention the first baseman.

Abbott: So? What's wrong with that?

Costello: Are they playing the same position?

Abbott: Of course not.

Costello: What's the first baseman's name?

Abbott: Black Lives Matter.

Costello: Let me get this straight. So the batter hits the ball.

Abbott: Okay

Costello: It travels up the third base line.

Abbott: Sure

Costello: All Lives Matter scoops it up and throws it to who?

Abbott: Black Lives Matter.

Costello: Right! He throws it to Black Lives Matter.

Abbott: All Lives Matter.

Costello: You did it again! I don't get it.  Are you arguing with me?

Abbott: I'm just stating the truth: All Lives Matter.

Costello: So the expression "All Lives"... doesn't that include Black Lives?

Abbott: How do you mean?

Costello: Isn't "Black" is a subset of "All?"

Abbott: Sure it is.

Costello: So when I say "Black Lives Matter," you don't have to pretend to correct me by saying "All Lives Matter." Both of those things can be true.

Abbott: That's just the way it is in this league.

Costello: What's that supposed to mean?

Abbott: By the rules of this league, Black Lives Matter is required to throw to All Lives Matter after tagging out a runner.

Costello: Even if there is no one else on base?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Why is that?

Abbott: According to our commissioner, it's a matter of fairness.

Costello: That's ridiculous.

Abbott: It's in the rulebook.

Costello: What about Blue Lives Matter?

Abbott: What about him?

Costello: Is Blue Lives Matter required to throw to third?

Abbott: He's not required to, but he can if he wants.

Costello: Does it ever happen?

Abbott: Not so far.

Costello: Never?

Abbott: Not once.

Costello: So, in this league, Blue Lives Matter is never followed by All Lives Matter.

Abbott: It never is. No.

Costello: I never heard of a league where any player would be required to throw to third without a sound reason. That's a little whacky, isn't it?

Abbott: Well, only one player is absolutely required to throw to third. Why, there are three fellows who aren't allowed to throw to third under any circumstances.

Costello: Really? Who are they?

Abbott: Our outfield. There are three fellows in our outfield who totally invalidate All Lives Matter.

Costello: Aww boy. Don't tell me their names. I don't wanna hear their names.

Abbott: Their names are Terrorist Lives Matter, Pedophile Lives Matter and Nazi Lives Matter.

Costello: What the hey!? Who signed those guys to the team!?

Abbott: They were part of the trade that got us All Lives Matter. They're erratic, but they've shown a lot of commitment.

Costello: Commitment? Commitment to what?

Abbott: You know. Stuff.

Costello: (Slaps his forehead)

Abbott: But the condition of the trade was that they NEVER throw to All Lives Matter. Their job is to throw directly to home.

Costello: To the catcher?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: I'm afraid to ask.

Abbott: Ask what? His name?

Costello: Yeah. His name. What's your catcher's name?

Abbott: Well, our catcher is a very unpopular fellow.

Costello: What's his name?

Abbott: He sits by himself at the far end of the dugout.

Costello: I'll bet. What's his name?

Abbott: He rides to away games on the equipment truck.

Costello: (Throws down his hat) Just tell me this guy's name!

Abbott: They call him "Individual Lives Are Statistically Insignificant."

Costello: (Drops his bat, brushes his uniform in disgust and frustration as if he's covered with invisible spiderwebs. Eventually picks up his hat and puts it back on his head dejectedly) That figures. That seems about right.

Abbott: Are you going to be okay?

Costello: I don't think so.

Abbott: Well, what's the problem?

Costello: It seems like this could all have been avoided if Black Lives Matter had a better nickname, like... "Black Lives ALSO Matter" or "Black Lives Matter Too."

Abbott: But phrasing it that way makes it ancillary to the norm.

Costello: Come again?

Abbott: It presupposes the importance of "Non-Black" Lives.

Costello: And?

Abbott: We're afraid that Non-Black Lives will want to renegotiate his contract.

Costello: (Pauses. Reluctantly asks) Who is...

Abbott: Non-Black Lives is our shortstop.