Congratulations on the purchase of your new Shark Hammer work boots. The comfort and protection you need (according to OSHA) and the quality you demand (we assume from your limited feedback). Hand-crafted, lovingly designed, cadaver-tested footwear to keep you on the job long after fate tries its hardest to put you in the hospital.
And now, with our improved metatarsal protection, looking like Frankenstein has never been easier.
Our special composite toe guard redesign is the absolute paramount of industrial footwear protection -- so much so that our first-draft, working title nickname, "Tootsie Coffin," is the one we've chosen to appear on all the related patents. We are literally daring you not to trust us.
For the late adopters, there is the Shark Hammer Legacy series: hand-stitched, all natural materials assembled in the older part of our factory where the lighting is much, much worse. Just like our grandfathers made 'em.
Your new Shark Hammers are rated for protection from electric shock up to and including 50000 volts. And not a single volt more. The first to implement Mercy Jolt architecture, the heel of each Shark Hammer produced since 1998 is equipped with a capacitor charged with enough electricity to just about completely vaporize you if the protective capabilities of the boot are exceeded, because we're certain you wouldn't want to live with that sort of injury.
When not in use, be sure to keep your Shark Hammers secured and out of the way. When not actively worn, Shark Hammers pose a significant hazard to the unprotected foot. We at Shark Hammer want nothing less than for you, our loyal customer, to perhaps rip off a toenail by accidentally kicking a boot while running around the dining room table playing with your dog -- subsequently laboring under the irony of injuring your toe on the only item in your home that is specifically designed to protect your feet.
We're sure it's rare, but that sort of thing must happen occasionally.
If during the first thirty (30) days immediately following your purchase you are not satisfied with the comfort of your Shark Hammer branded product for whatever reason, Shark Hammer will refund the purchase price to you, no questions asked, provided you still have your dated receipt of purchase. But really, why not stop being such a tool and just wear two pairs of socks?
Shark Hammer... keeping America on the job since 1926 -- a full sixty years before those words were first used to describe a sex act.
And now, with our improved metatarsal protection, looking like Frankenstein has never been easier.
Our special composite toe guard redesign is the absolute paramount of industrial footwear protection -- so much so that our first-draft, working title nickname, "Tootsie Coffin," is the one we've chosen to appear on all the related patents. We are literally daring you not to trust us.
For the late adopters, there is the Shark Hammer Legacy series: hand-stitched, all natural materials assembled in the older part of our factory where the lighting is much, much worse. Just like our grandfathers made 'em.
Your new Shark Hammers are rated for protection from electric shock up to and including 50000 volts. And not a single volt more. The first to implement Mercy Jolt architecture, the heel of each Shark Hammer produced since 1998 is equipped with a capacitor charged with enough electricity to just about completely vaporize you if the protective capabilities of the boot are exceeded, because we're certain you wouldn't want to live with that sort of injury.
When not in use, be sure to keep your Shark Hammers secured and out of the way. When not actively worn, Shark Hammers pose a significant hazard to the unprotected foot. We at Shark Hammer want nothing less than for you, our loyal customer, to perhaps rip off a toenail by accidentally kicking a boot while running around the dining room table playing with your dog -- subsequently laboring under the irony of injuring your toe on the only item in your home that is specifically designed to protect your feet.
We're sure it's rare, but that sort of thing must happen occasionally.
If during the first thirty (30) days immediately following your purchase you are not satisfied with the comfort of your Shark Hammer branded product for whatever reason, Shark Hammer will refund the purchase price to you, no questions asked, provided you still have your dated receipt of purchase. But really, why not stop being such a tool and just wear two pairs of socks?
Shark Hammer... keeping America on the job since 1926 -- a full sixty years before those words were first used to describe a sex act.
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